Eight things to learn from ‘tax-dodging fugitive’ Boris

Boris Johnson made the news again today, following his unwillingness to pay US taxes. But from becoming a walrus, to the pittance of £250,000, here are 8 things you could learn from Britain’s most popular politician.

1. Become a ‘tax-dodging fugitive’

Boris Johnson has refused to pay capital gains tax following his recent visit to the United States. All US Citizens, including those will dual citizenship, are obliged to pay US taxes, despite whether they are living abroad. Boris obviously hasn’t quite grasped the concept of dual citizenship: ‘I, you know, I haven’t lived in the United States for, you know, well, since I was five years old … I pay the lion’s share of my tax, I pay my taxes to the full in the United Kingdom where I live and work.’ Ironically, Boris has previously placed the importance of taxpayers in order to pay for electoral campaigns:

2. Learn how to become a walrus

Boris Johnson admires a walrus for its ability to ‘lie on rocks and belch, as well as to make amazing migratory journeys’.

3. Make being London mayor a joke job

In an interview, Boris describes himself as being a ‘toenail’. There’s no wonder he ‘believes in a society that isn’t judgmental’. Nobody wants a toenail as mayor. Now what about the politics of the job? How does Boris feel about that? ‘Like a huge lumpy mattress: one thing goes ping, another thing boings up’. Do ‘people like him because he makes good jokes? In that way, he seems to be different from most politicians, who seem rather wooden and weird’.

4. Save Christmas for up to 90 low-income residents

Boris Johnson has instructed The Deputy Mayor for Housing, Richard Blakeway, to contact Westbrook council in order to investigate the threat to residents of Hoxton’s New Era Estate, in the run-up to Christmas. Contracts signed by the residents allow for two-week breaks in order for refurbishment of the properties, but the London mayor ‘supports the tenants desire to stay if at all possible’.

5. Learn how to play ‘personality politics’

Boris is now renowned for his puns and gags, charisma, and his almost to often, inadvertent boo-boos. This is what gives Boris that ‘extra edge’ and the nonsense and improbable nature of it all, makes Boris a real politician. He knows that when you play this sort of game, losing is not an option, and ‘we love Johnson because he is good at making us love him’.

6. Midnight feasts are completely acceptable

Boris Johnson agrees that there is nothing wrong with a sneaky midnight feast: ‘There is absolutely no one, apart from yourself, who can prevent you, in the middle of the night, from sneaking down to tidy up the edges of that hunk of cheese at the back of the fridge’. So as Boris advises, if you want that extra piece of cake in the night, he is ‘pro having it, and pro eating it’.

7. Boris and UKIP are on the same wavelength

Despite UKIP winning the Rochester elections, Boris Johnson sees them as ‘a bunch of boss-eyed, foam-flecked Euro hysterics’, but admits; factors he is not short of himself.

8. Writing your own column for £250,000 is simply ‘chicken feed’

Boris Johnson currently has his own column in the Telegraph, in which he receives an average wage of £250,000. Considering he usually receives an average of £140,000 for his day job, this ‘tiny’ sum of money is inadequate for politician Boris. As a matter of fact, only £50,000 of his salary is donated to charity. Can we really have faith in a mayor who thinks an almost untouchable amount for many Londoners, is ‘chicken feed’?

Picture: Wikipedia

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